Are you willing? Willing to accept and change the things you don’t like about yourself? I’ve tried and I’m still trying. However, it’s not that easy which I’m sure we all know. I need to being willing to accept that I’m 33 years old and single. It’s not an easy pill to swallow. I constantly wonder why?
Earlier this year something incredible happened to me…
I’d gone through a pretty bad breakup (read more on that here), but I felt so close to God and had truly accepted that I was going to be patient with his plan. Patiently wait for the RIGHT guy to come into my life. One random spring day, I was working at a coffee shop when a a complete stranger came up to me. She seriously gave me a message from God. Her message was that God wanted to put a ring on my finger. I didn’t know the lady AT ALL.
Let’s fast forward to this summer…
Another guy had come into my life which was short lived even though I’ve known him for 13 years. It’s a long story, but I felt (and still do) that our timing was ripped away from me. Because it was so short I didn’t think it was going to affect me like most guys do. I went on and did a ton of traveling over the summer like I was fine. I wasn’t fine because my insecurities were at an all time HIGH. Also, I had fallen down an escalator earlier in the trip. Things were great…
(Keep reading until the end…)
INSECURITY #1: THE WAY I LOOK
My legs have always been my best feature and now I have 3 pretty ugly scars on my right leg. Also, I have worked so hard to get in the best shape of my life with the Body Reset Program but I struggle SO SO SO bad with “yo-yo” dieting. I will be super healthy and in great shape then go on a bender eating anything and everything I want. All my hard work is gone. I hate this about myself SO much. I just wish I could be consistent and not extreme one way or another. Then maybe I wouldn’t struggle with belly fat and feel more comfortable in a bikini.
WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE: MODERATE
I love food and I’ll always love food so I have to find the balance and accept that I’ll never have a flat stomach with abs.
So, when I was in NYC in late July I did something irrational… I walked into Cartier and bought a love ring. I’d been feeling shitty about myself so I treated myself for no other reason than I wanted a new ring. Well…kind of. I thought the Cartier love ring would be a good reminder to love myself first. It was so shiny and pretty. I loved my love ring and I wanted it to stay in perfect condition. The ring is solid gold so it instantly started getting small scratches on it. That made me annoyed because I had spent so much money on it…
I got home and was checking my bank account to see how much damage I had really done traveling all summer. The ring had posted to my bank account. Not pending…posted. The next day I went to go make a payment on my credit card. THE CARTIER CHARGE WAS GONE.
Interesting… I thought it would show up again in a few days. Nope. A week later…no charge. Another week…nothing. Did I just get a free Cartier ring?? Woohoo!!!!!!! At that point, I didn’t care if it had scratches on it now.
PAUSE… Ohhhhhhh mmmmmmm geeeeeeee. What if the ring the lady in the coffee shop was referring to was the Cartier ring? God wanted to put a ring on my finger, but maybe it wasn’t an engagement ring. Maybe He wanted to put this ring on my finger to remind myself that regardless of the little “scratches” in my life someone will LOVE me with those scratches.
Insert utter shock here. BUT WAIT… I changed my mind. I don’t want this ring I want an engagement ring. I’ll pay for this ring!!
In all honesty, I was really bummed. I knew I needed to accept this was what God wanted to give me and what I needed to accept. But, I just didn’t want to. I wanted a ring from a fiancé. Over the next couple of weeks I started to accept the situation and try to be grateful. However, it wasn’t fixing my insecurities.
INSECURITY #2: DATING
I’m mostly secure in a lot of areas of my life… I know I’m a great female entrepreneur and have a lot to show for it. I’ll work my ass off to achieve what I want and be successful. I have amazing friends and family who I’m not afraid to be myself around and they love me for me. My strong faith gets me through a LOT of hard times. BUT…men.
Ugh……… Men who I date make me SO insecure. I don’t know exactly why. Probably because I’ve always been the one to be broken up with and did I mention I’m still single. Dating is a beating. Even for someone like me who shouldn’t be insecure by a guy at all. But, I can’t help but always wonder “WHY NOT ME?”.
WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE: HIGH
I go to a therapist on a regular basis now which has been a HUGE help. I don’t feel nearly as insecure about dating anymore and know why I take relationships so seriously. I’m slowly starting to realize quicker and quicker when a guy isn’t a match. My gut has ALWAYS been right my entire life when it comes to relationships, but it doesn’t do a great job convincing my head of the same thing.
*I highly suggest taking the Enneagram Test!
My anxiety started getting pretty bad again because I felt like a lot of things weren’t going my way this year. For the last six months, I’d felt like I was dog paddling in the ocean and couldn’t figure out which way to swim. Mainly because I was overwhelmed and severely lacking motivation to be healthy or be the bad ass entrepreneur I am. Also, I’d gone through 4 assistants and spent way too much money which made me financially stressed.
Then I got back on the dating apps to try that again… It just made my anxiety worse because I was insecure about who would swipe to match with me. Were my photos good enough? What if they meet me in person and don’t like my personality? Exhausting!
Was God trying be any louder in telling me to accept myself and all the flaws that were in my life right now?
INSECURITY #3: MY ANXIETY
Getting out of my own head is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life. I hate that I get so worked up and anxious about things that other people can let go of so easily. Unless you deal with anxiety yourself then you have no idea how crippling this disease can be.
It takes over your mind and has brought me to tears many many times. It’s exhausting and I feel like some people think I’m crazy for not being able to get a grip. If someone says, “just stop thinking about it” to me I might hit them.
WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE: SUPER HIGH
I refuse to take anxiety medicine on a daily basis, but I did have to get some for panic attacks. Luckily, I haven’t had to take it yet. I’m willing to try a lot of other things first before medicine. My therapist says I need to meditate. Trying… I hate it, lol. Also, going to try to start on CBD and some other natural supplements. Eating healthy and working out helps a ton too when I actually do it.
So…let’s wrap this up shall we?
My Cartier love ring has a LOT of scratches on it now. I still wish it was shiny and pretty, but looking at it each day reminds me to be willing to accept myself and my circumstances. God’s path is better than mine.
AND THE RING CHARGE DID SHOW UP ON MY BANK STATEMENT A MONTH LATER