HEARTBREAK TIPS & DATING AT 30
Heartbreak… I wish I was writing to tell you I’ve discovered a medicine that cures all heartbreak instantly. Let’s hope someone out there is working on it, right? I’ve needed a heartbreak cure lately… I met someone a couple of months ago who I fell for very quickly. We had a ton in common, and things just seemed easy when we were together. However, he had some major baggage that was very unexpected. Regardless of how hard I tried to guard my heart, I fell for him fast. My gut was telling me almost the entire time I was getting to know him that he needed time to heal… I just didn’t want to walk away. I think this is the worst kind of heartbreak because you can’t be mad about anything. It’s just timing…
Now that I’m out of my messy 20s, I know exactly what I’m looking for when dating.
He had several of those qualities, and it finally felt like I had the opportunity to be in a “healthy” relationship. I was healthy, but like I said he needed time. It’s so hard to know it’s just a “timing” thing, and wonder why God put this person in your life if it wasn’t going to work out? I know He is working on my heart and I’ll probably learn something from the situation, but it doesn’t make the heartbreak any easier.
I’ve never thought I’d get married until I was 30, but now I’m 30 and still single. Wondering when I’m going to meet the right guy, and if I’ll ever get married is the absolute hardest struggle I deal with every single day. Honestly, when everyone around you seems to be getting engaged or in a relationship I can’t help but wonder “what is wrong with me?”.
When I was in my mid-twenties I dated someone for almost 4 years…
We lived together and went through premarital counseling because we truly thought we wanted to get married. Oh, how I was so wrong! Every time I envisioned him proposing to me I could never say “yes”. That should have been a major red flag, but no I kept fighting for things to get better. We fought more than anything from the beginning of our relationship. Even though I knew how bad it was I didn’t want him to leave me. When he finally walked away it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I dove into work and actually started putting effort into this blog. Look where that got me 🙂 Also, it was the first time I felt free which gave me time to really get to know myself. Everything about me and what I loved was tied to him over the last several years. I traveled as much as possible and reconnected with a lot of my friends. My friendships had struggled because everyone knew I needed to get away from him, but I didn’t want to listen to them at the time.
BROKEN HEART SNIPPETS OF ADVICE
Say YES to everything.
This was some of the best advice I’ve received. No matter how sad and upset you feel just say “Yes” to anything so you stay busy.
Get a therapist.
This is the best money I’ve ever spent. Your friends and family can only give you advice for so long, and sometimes you just need to hear it from an outside voice.
Spend time on the couch and don’t hold the emotions back.
Oh, the Friday nights I spent crying my heart out… It sucked. But it helped SO much. Instead of trying to stuff everything down I had to let the hurt out.
Dive into your faith, and read…a LOT.
My faith is extremely important to me. It’s the only way I know how to TRUST that there is a happily ever after for me. However, trusting HIM in a time of heartbreak is so hard. It’s okay to get mad at Him. But, in the end, God is the only one who has your back.
Take an adventure even if it’s a small one.
I told you all I started traveling a lot after my 4-year breakup. Even if you can’t afford to jaunt all over the world take a road trip or even do something in your city you’ve never done before. I promise it will help you feel happy again.
So after a 4-year relationship, I had to get back into the dating scene.
I’ll tell you right now I absolutely hate dating. I don’t think my heart was built to “date”. My downfall and the best thing about me is my big heart. My friends don’t understand how I can fall for someone so hard and so fast. After I took The Enneagram Test it made so much more sense. I’m called “The Loyalist”. I cherish my friendships and relationships more than anything in the world, and when someone walks away from me it’s crushing. Last week, I actually told my therapist I didn’t want to have such a big heart because it hurts so bad. She reminded me it’s not a bad thing to love so hard.
Dating is defeating.
Especially in our world today. With social media and dating apps it’s overwhelming. You’re constantly surrounded by engagements, babies, weddings and it’s hard not to feel sad that it’s not you. If there is one thing I’ve had to do it is stop looking at social media. Obviously harder than it seems, but it helps. If you have to delete your account to stop looking at an ex-boyfriend then do it.
I dated a guy over the holidays last year, and the relationship was amazing. Then one day he just decided he couldn’t do it. Literally, within 24 hours it was like a switch flipped. Once again, I had that “what is wrong with me?” feeling. Then almost a month later I saw him in an entirely different city on a date… you tell me what the odds are of that happening… The only thing I could do was delete him from everything so I wouldn’t feel super depressed.
So how the hell do you deal with dating and heartbreak? I’m still figuring it out. However, it hasn’t killed me yet so God must have something incredible waiting for me. It’s just trusting Him that is hard when you feel so defeated. If I have such a desire to be married then I have to believe He will fulfill my heart’s wish and He will do the same for you.
DATING AT 30 SNIPPETS OF ADVICE
You know what you want. Don’t compromise on those things… You’ll just end up wasting your time.
It’s true and you know it. Hoping he can change just isn’t going to happen anymore. We are older and pretty set in our ways. If there is something that is annoying you at the beginning of a relationship then run away…fast.
Listen to your friends, but listen to your gut too.
I hate my gut. It’s ALWAYS right. It may be telling you something you absolutely do NOT want to do, but in the end, your head most likely isn’t going to win. Also, lean on your friends for guidance, but don’t let them be the deciding factor on your feelings. I’ve made this mistake and then end up driving myself crazy wondering if I should have said or done something that I actually really wanted to do/say. You’ll have more peace if you just be you.
Don’t be afraid to have serious conversations early on.
I’m not just having fun anymore. I’m ready to settle down and start a family so if a guy can’t handle a few serious conversations then move on. Please don’t waste my time. *Also, my therapist told me to give every new relationship 90 days before you can really know someone. So if you have these conversations just remember they may be what you want to hear at that moment, but be sure to revisit those things.
It’s okay to say NO. It’s actually a complete sentence.
Girls…don’t waste a guys time if you know you aren’t 100% interested. You don’t always have to be nice no matter how cute or sweet he may be. You’ll end up being nicer by just saying no in the first place.
Dating apps are okay but don’t hide who you really are…
I’ve been on a handful of dating apps, but find myself being vague so they don’t swipe away. Dumb idea. Again, it’s a waste of time because I want someone who is on the same page.
No matter how much you’re hurting or how frustrated you are with dating just know there are other ladies out there in the exact same spot!! You’re not alone, and never have to walk through this part of your life alone. If this post does anything, I hope it may create a place for single women to connect and build support 🙂
photos: Beckley & Co.
What a beautiful post! I love your honesty and openness about this subject. More girls need to hear these things, especially in there 20’s and 30’s. I myself know the feeling of wondering where my Mr. Right is and why God hasn’t brought him yet. Being 25 and single doesn’t bother me as much as the questions and assumptions from other people; “Don’t you want a boyfriend?” “Why are you single?” or the worst “I know a guy perfect for you!” I’ve seen enough relationships end in divorce to know that it’s better to stay single for the right person than waste your time for a future divorce. Keep your head up!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Brooke. First off, you are amazing and you will absolutely meet the right man and marry him. Being 29 and single, I relate to this post (and struggle) so much. Thank you for reminding us that we are not alone, sometimes with social media this is the hardest part. It’s hard to look and instagram and not feel like you are the only single person you know. I will absolutely be bookmarking this post to re-read. Also, if you haven’t read it already, my therapist recommended the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and I really enjoyed it. I’m so glad I found your blog and look forward to following along! Thank you again Brooke for sharing, this just made my Monday!
I was in my 30’s when I got married. It didn’t bother me that I was still single and in my third decade although it did bother certain family members. I had seen enough unhappy unions that I was determined to hold out for the right one. It was the best & wisest decision that I made for myself. It has been 25 years and we are still in love and grateful to have each other.
Don’t put any pressure on yourself. Take your time. Now that you know that you are ready to settle down, think of your dates as auditions for Mr. Right. Just as you wouldn’t buy the first car or house you look at, don’t settle on whoever you are dating at the time unless your intuition (or your gut, as you call it) plainly tells you that this man has everything that you are looking for. Then he gets the second audition. The second audition is dating exclusively and getting to know each other on a deeper level. If he passes the second audition then congratulations. If he doesn’t pass, don’t be afraid to start over. After all, you wouldn’t settle for okay or good enough in a house or car. This is your heart and the rest of your life that you are talking about and they deserve wise and careful consideration. I wish you all the best.
Brooke, your rawness and vulnerability are refreshing to see. This post will help so many who struggle with the heartache that is involved in dating. I am so sorry that you are hurting, but your therapist is right, loving hard is not a bad thing. There is a price we pay for having so many emotions and that price is often heartache. But the benefits so far outweigh the pain. We appreciate so much more including all of the little blessings in our lives. We feel gratitude in overwhelming magnitude which is always such an amazing feeling. Know that it is not you who is faulty. It is just the relationships themselves. And with each failed relationship, you are that much closer to the one that will succeed and will fill your life with exponential love. I married my college sweetheart at the age of 23 and we were divorced 2 1/2 years later. Then I dated. And dated. And dated. And cried. And dated some more. And cried some more. And kept on dating. Until one day, I reached the point where I was simply okay with myself. I was comfortable being alone. And I was grateful that I was alive and well. And once I was really truly okay with my solitude, I met my husband who is the most amazing man and my perfect match. I was 34 years old. He was 27. We have been together for 9 happy years now and have two young sons. It is the happy ending I always dreamed of. And to pass on the advice from my very wise brother-in-law…every pot has a lid. Yours is out there. And you will find it, right when you least expect it. Just keep being your fabulous self and wearing your heart on your sleeve…because someone amazing is going to love you for it! Thank you for sharing this fantastic post!
This made me tear up! My mom always say that to me, “every pot has a lid”
I must say when I saw last week that you would be writing this post I’ve been so excited to read it. No not excited to read about your heartbreak, but glad to know that I’m not alone and there are single women who feel the same way I do. I am a 31 year old single mom and although I was married (at 22) it was very short lived and my happy ending crashed and burned. Getting divorced was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, but the end of that relationship has taught me so many things and has helped me to learn what I really want in a relationship. Some days I worry that I am being overly picky, but I have to be true to myself and what I want/need out of a relationship and tell myself never to settle for less than what I deserve. Unfortunately being a single mom I don’t have many single friends so I often feel alone with my extreme dislike and disappointment of the dating world. I am like you in the sense that I fall fast and I fall hard and that makes the heartbreak that much more devastating when they decide to move on. I’ve struggled with wondering why I’m not good enough or pretty enough or worth the effort, but at the end of the day if someone makes me question those things…they are not for me. That is hard to accept sometimes, but every day is a new day. I really appreciate you sharing your journey and hope maybe one day our paths will cross in Dallas!
Thank you so much for your openness and advice.. .at 33 and a single mom, this was a sweet read this morning. and I appreciate the reminder to keep leaning on HIM. because like you said, He’s the only one who always has my back!
Thank you so much for writing this. Reading this was like reading about myself. I appreciate your honesty and openness and the reminder that we are not alone, to lean on God and trust His plan. Again, Thank You.
Thank you for your honesty. I felt the same way you are feeling 26 years ago! But there was barely any Internet and no blogging to share what I was going through back then. I was even engaged at 29, and we called off the wedding. I wondered what was wrong with me but realized God was preparing me to meet my future husband at the age of 32. ( that seemed really old back then ) Thank God I didn’t settle for less than what I wanted. I have been married for 23 years with 3 wonderful teenagers. Keep doing what you are doing and be glad you aren’t settling for less than the best for you ! Keep your faith too, and remember it is important that a husband be strong in his faith as well, so he can lead the family.
Someone is going to be the blessed recipient of all that love someday, and you’re going to have a mature, kind, considerate marriage! God is priming you both!! Xoxox
Thank you so much for this post! I read it when you first posted it, and had a reminder to re-read it. I just read it again and it is perfect. As a 34 year old single girl who has a big heart too, I can so relate to everything you said. Some days I swear off dating forever, but then ache for marriage so it’s a no win situation. The only thing that has helped me is trusting God. Step by step trusting Him and knowing His timing is perfect. He works all things together for good. He also catches our tears and knows our hearts because He made them. He has the best for us, the best. I’m telling myself this again as I type this. 🙂 And that’s what has helped me most- telling myself God’s promises over and over. You are not alone in this journney! Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability and advice. xo
God is preparing you for the right man. I believe (I’m in the same boat as you in many ways) that God wants to develop your confidence, strength, faith and self love so that you can be a match for the amazing man he has in store for you. When you learn to love your self and surrender the desires of your heart to God, life is blissful. I know you will heal from this heartbreak! Thank you for writing and sharing your heart!!
I love this and have thought about opening up just like you have and I appreciate that so much. I have wondered all of your same things and my ex and I broke up in February and I still feel like it is hard every day
I can totally related. the good guys are hard to come by theses days….I’m always getting that question from family and friends “how come you’re single”??? if I only knew I would gladly tell them. I’ve also been on planting of dating apps and honestly its like a day job! I don’t have time for that anymore! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one out there in the same situation.
This is a fantastic post! Thank you for sharing. I’m 37 and never married. I must admit, I have always pictured myself as a mature bride. I knew I would not marry in my 20s.
I too was in a very long term relationship and I knew in my gut he wasn’t the one. We lived together and had a son together. I tried very hard to fix it because I had invested so much time and because of our son. When I finally found the courage to end it, I felt so free. The break-up wasn’t dramatic because we both knew in our hearts we were meant to be parents to our little boy but not meant to be together romantically.
Dating in my 30s has been much different than my 20s. Your tips for dating in your 30s are spot on. I have used the apps, etc. but ended up meeting my guy, “the one”, the old fashion way. We met a year ago at a charity event. A mutual friend introduced us and the rest is history. Our relationship is long distance . We live in two different cities but it’s driveable, 2 1\2 hrs, and we see each other on the weekends. It works perfectly for us. This is the first time in 37 years that I’ve ever felt that feeling of knowing this is my person and it feels pretty darn good!
if you are seeking for help to get your lover back,…..?????????
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Awesome and useful
I feel like we need an update! Did I miss something?