If you read this original post back in February things were a little different… You knew I was dating someone, and if you follow me on Instagram you probably saw how that ended. #THANKUNEXT What you don’t know is that I never really felt fully committed to that relationship because there was someone else I had been thinking about for several months. I might have made a mistake in choosing the right person to date, but TIMING IS EVERYTHING. Is that not the truth?
I don’t exactly know how to explain the way I’ve been feeling over the last few months… It’s like I finally feel done with dating the “wrong” guys. I can look back on my big relationships and see exactly what I learned from each of them and why I needed to learn those things. After this last breakup, I did feel as though I had failed again and I was doing something which was the reason I hadn’t found “the one” yet. But then something happened to me last week that I still feel like was a dream…
Last week, I was sitting at my new favorite coffee shop waiting to meet a friend. This adorable blonde lady came over to my table and said, “This is probably so weird, and I’m so nervous to tell you this I could cry”. I kinda thought she was going to say she followed my blog or something along those lines. That can definitely be weird coming up to a complete stranger knowing quite a bit about their life but they know nothing about you lol. I was SO WRONG, and I still cannot believe the next words that came out of her mouth…
She said, “I was sitting over there praying and God put you on my heart. He wanted me to tell you that he wants to put a ring on your finger, and all of your past relationships were not a mistake. He’s got you and loves you.”
I’m not making this up people. My entire body got goosebumps. It was the answer I’d been asking God for for a long time. I felt so at ease and peaceful in that moment which surprises me that I wasn’t questioning it. Also, right before she came up to me I had been writing my egg freezing blog post.
I truly believe these things don’t happen by coincidence. How would a complete stranger who knows absolutely nothing about me (and doesn’t follow the blog!) know exactly what I needed to hear from God? Faith. I’m not trying to get “preachy” on anyone, but if you are single and have struggled like me just know He is working on the best plan for your life.
Like I mentioned earlier, things feel different lately. My prayers even feel different. I’m not desperate anymore to find a husband. I know I’ve been “ready” to get married in the past, but this time I truly feel like I have all the tools I need for a healthy relationship. The right mindset. The right attitude. And, even patience. Funny… My “one word” of this year was PATIENCE. It still may be a few years until I get married, but I’m okay with it.
So what have I learned from these past relationships? Let me tell you.
DATING LIFE UPDATE
BOYFRIEND 1 = Worthiness
I dated this guy for almost 4 years, but I never felt like I was good enough for him. Looking back now I obviously know I’m a damn good girlfriend and I know my worth. I wasn’t the reason this relationship didn’t work out. I know how amazing I am and how much love I have to give my future husband. Learning this about myself is totally worth the wait 😉
BOYFRIEND 2 = Independence
I’m totally independent in every aspect of my life EXCEPT when it comes to men. I have no idea what it is about dating, but I want to spend all of my time with that person instantly. All of my plans go out the window and I’m available anytime they want to hang out. Sounds like a sad puppy, haha. Low and behold… I started seeing a new therapist after this breakup. BEST DECISION EVER. She is the one who introduced me to the Enneagram Test which revealed SO MUCH. I’m called “The Loyalist” on the Enneagram. Ahhhhhhh makes sense.
As a “Loyalist”, that also revealed I have a lot of anxiety when I’m in a relationship. Always wondering when I’ll see him next, or if it will last? Enneagram 6’s have a lot of “what if” scenarios. Mine is usually “What if we breakup and I have to deal with heartbreak again. I don’t know if I can handle it.” Guess what? Life has always moved on…
I definitely learned I have to keep my own life. IF we can’t hang out because I have another commitment then it’ll be okay. I have to live my life.
BOYFRIEND 3 = Patience & Communication
Because of my need to feel secure in relationship I always go from 0 to 100. There is no middle with my feelings. I’ve never been able to progress my feelings in a slow and steady way. Well, until my therapist had told me about the “90 Day Rule”. Basically, it’s proven that your brain acts the same way as it would on heroin (crazy high exciting feeling) the first 90 days of dating someone. No wonder I want to walk down the aisle a month after we’ve been dating and everything seems like all rainbows and butterflies!!!! Guess how long the relationship with “Boyfriend 2” lasted? Exactly 90 days.
After 90 days, the masks come off and real things start to develop OR crash and burn. That’s why I finally decided to be patient with “Boyfriend 3” and enjoy the dreamy fun part of the relationship.
However, after those 90 days were up I started to want more than what he was giving me. Cue communication… Typically when I’m in a relationship it’s incredibly hard for me to express when something is wrong. I don’t want to rock the boat, and usually think I can fix things without opening up. NOPE.
This was the first relationship where I was finally able to verbalize my needs and communicate what I needed back from him. It was so nice. I finally felt like I wasn’t having to hold my breath all the time in a relationship.
I realize there may be more things to learn from relationships, but looking back I know how far I’ve come. Also, I know how much better I’ll be for my future husband!!
I strongly encourage any of you single ladies to go look at my Instagram stories highlights about “single life” and this book I just shared from Lynette Lewis. It’s sooooo encouraging! And, it’ll help you deal with some things that you may be pushing aside. Like, if you aren’t whole, should you really be with someone else until you are whole and happy with yourself?
Good for you!!! I agree 100% (and my therapist said the same thing) – true intimacy starts at about 3 months or so. She says dating is gathering information…always. At 6 months is when one sees the relationship take a big step forward or when it starts to slowly fall apart. I looked back and darn it, it’s so true. I recently hit the 6 month mark myself…funny, there was a little informal discussion. I just learned the man hates all shellfish. Who knew? Lol. After a very painful divorce, I’ve learned to ACCEPT not expect. You have to decide what you can live with (do the wonderful things outweigh the things that annnoy you). My guy…I trust him and his word 100%. I can’t say I’ve had that in a very long time. He is also not a “planner” like me and his last minute Lucy stuff makes me crazy sometimes, but he makes me smile every day and well, I think I’ve got it pretty good if that’s the case.
This is so great! And I also discovered the enneagram this past year and that is a game changer. If you’ve never watched Michael Todd’s relationship goals series I HIGHLY recommend it! It’s 8 parts and completely changed my outlook.
Dating yourself and traveling alone have a lot of benefits. I’m addicted to it.
Hang in there. You are gorgeous and amazing. When I moved from Beverly Hills to Dallas I asked this guy to introduce me to you bc you seemed so cool. He is friends with your ex and sure enough turned out to be one of the biggest losers in highland park 🙂 time passes and I met someone else who is more humble and more successful and worships me. I know the same will be true for you. Stay positive ❤️